A Diversion: What If I Were To NOT Turn Off NPR? Would It Wreck My Day?

Buoyed by the spirit of the late Utah Phillips, who wrote the wonderful 'The Talking NPR Blues':

http://www.utahphillips.org/talkingnprblues.html

I thought I'd add the following. Bit under the weather today, so took day off. Experiment: let NPR roll and see if it really wrecks my day (stupid, but a distraction). Well, it didn't, really, but I got to hear 'Day to Day' for the first time. It reminded me of 'Entertainment Tonight', but even fluffier, under the premise of everyone having their NPR thinking caps on. 'Sex and the City' was all the rage. Fashion talk about shoes. There was some serious stuff, but don't remember. Earlier, Morning Edition's more of carnival than ever. No disrespect to Harvey Korman, but his passing got more airtime than Arthur C. Clarke, it seems, and with unremarkable soundbytes to boot. In their storytime segment, I was touched by the poignancy of a woman who told of the death of her son, but then realized that the exploitation of her grief was yet another NPR slimeball stunt: to pepper their creamy show with 'serious' stuff, just to remind us critics that NPR is still a 'serious' operation. Sleazebags!

Also, NPR's really, really getting its rusty hooks into Asia. They just discovered it, you know. Recently, Tom Ashbrook of 'On Point' did what I thought was a decent series on contemporary China, from Shanghai. Not to be outdone, we now have Inscreep mucking about in Karachi (and he can't decide what the city's actual population is), probably for purposes of reconnaissance for corporate interests who want 'in' to another burgeoning market. I'm amused that NPR has finally gotten around to acknowledging the existence of this major city, but I'm horrified at the prospect of hearing their interpretation of it, so I'd damn well better skip the upcoming series. I know Inscreep wants to get some tough on-the-road reportage to bump up his street cred, but the hell if I want to be his enabler.

And this Robert Smith, who's been subbing for Inscreep (and outdoing him in motormouth capabilities - the only reason he got the gig, I'll bet), well, he's a certifiable idiot, giggling and joking his way through the show like he's Howie Mandel or some other godawful 'host'.

And our - I mean NPR's - very own spoiled child in Russia, Grigory Feifer, delivers a patently awful bit of gibberish with snotty-voiced disapproval, from Georgia. It's about their separatist problem, but you'd never know, as Grig is just so preoccupied with how stupid things are in that part of the world - as if it were all explainable because Stalin was from there (Gori, actually).

Is there no one at NPR, in listening to these winners, who thinks, 'these guys really suck'? Probably not, as they almost ALL suck!

Then, a lot more 'Sex and the City' stuff, natch.

Finally, Mikey Sullivan's still on the Burma case, and the metallic drone of his boring voice got emotional yet again, as he just can't figure out why the paranoid ruling junta won't let in aid workers and supplies. FYI, Sullivan: we're dealing with a PARANOID RULING JUNTA here. Understand that. They're insane. That's a given. Burma has been ruled by insane persons since 1962. But here's one reason why they're kind of touchy: (no, I'm NOT defending them, pal) the junta has always thought that the western powers are out to overthrow them. They could be right. There's a little thing called Iraq going on just across the way. Afghanistan, too. Oh, and to them, Iran's next. Maybe even Pakistan. India won't defend 'em, and China's got its hands kind of full right now. They're stupid, but they aren't that stupid. Besides, to them, those rural people out in the Irrawaddy delta are entirely disposable. Peasant trash. There's a class system and many racial issues in the Union of Burma. (Shades of Katrina, maybe? You think?) Anyway, all the junta cares about is that there are American warships on their threshold. That's making them MORE paranoid. I saw an email from an Army Corps of Engineers source that said the warships were waiting for the opportunity so that "our armed forces could land" (actual wording). What sort of signal does that send? Americans are often No. 1. That includes No. 1 in the blundering department, too.

And finally, I might add, up the Bay of Bengal a ways, Bangladesh endures a regular regime of disastrous cyclones, most of which end up as footnotes in the western press, and thousands of people regularly perish. True, Bangladesh is not ruled by a junta per se, but that doesn't make their sufferings any less. A cyclone is a cyclone. Burma has considerable resources, including oil. Bangladesh only has people. You better believe the west wants into Burma. An Axis of Evil candidate, ripe for regime change? A neocon dream. OF COURSE Aung San Suu Kyi should be freed and allowed to form a government, but that isn't the point of this argument.

So, did NPR ruin my day? I don't know, but it made me spew quite a bit. Sorry for the length.

Later...

On the mend already! And it started when I flipped the 'off' switch. No kidding. That's why I call it National Pollution Radiation. I guess my experiment proved something.

So, here goes:

HEAR YE, PEOPLES OF AMERICA! CEASE LISTENING TO NPR, AND YOUR HEALING WILL BEGIN IMMEDIATELY!

Man, I never thought I'd be saying that, but it sure feels good.

No Sir, I Do Not Care Much For That Robert Siegel Fellow, Not Very Much At All

I've both (mildly) praised and critiqued NPR's China quake coverage, but I have to say in all seriousness, I find Blob Siegel's reports most distasteful. I can see why someone stuck him into the host slot (to frustrate and torment us!), rather than having him do field work, because he's absolutely the wrong type of person to be covering something like an earthquake. It's as if he's strolling through a stamp collection fair or something, making urbane little comments peppered with his stylish 'um's and 'er's and other pause-fillers, trying to be suave.

His attempts at sympathy or empathy aren't very believable, either. Not that a reporter should be troweling on the emotions or anything. I've been hearing very good objective reports from BBC World Service, delivered without any personal baggage. On the receiving end back in DC, the Simonizer's putting on his respectful choked-up voice, while in old Chengdu, the unflappable Blob sounds like he's just wrapping up another brilliant edition of All Things Considered, and having a swell time doing it. His sign off had 'I'm doing just fine, thank you' written all over it. The story is tragic enough without us having to put up with such annoyances.

To me Siegel's the proverbial puffy guy in the corner at the local Starbuck's, pontificating to a small coterie of dumbos, regaling them with self-satisfied slop. And the dumbos? They think he's just great! So smart, so witty, so refined - someone to trust and to be charmed by, even as he speaks of a catastrophe. At the very most, Siegel should host some hoity-toity chatshow about antiques or something, for a equally tiny audience to cringe at.

Burma: In Need Of Understanding

I wish someone other than Michael Sullivan was reporting from Burma right now. I don't trust his mechanical statements. It's too bad that Doualy Xaykaothao isn't there. She's a much more perceptive and understanding reporter, but I'm sure Big Mike got the gig for a wide variety of reasons. (Maybe because he's a guy. Never mind that for centuries in Burmese society, women have had nearly equal status as men.)

I've said this before, but I have a pet peeve about the media choosing 'Myanmar' or 'Burma'. The US and other governments, as well as the BBC have wisely stuck with 'Burma', while the rest of the media, fearful that they'll be accused of cultural imperialism or something, goes with the name chosen by an utterly corrupt and paranoid military junta. To me, this is similar to the Pol Pot regime's changing 'Cambodia' to 'Kampuchea'. Both 'Myanmar' and 'Kampuchea' are historically valid names, but it is their appropriation by repressive governments that makes the usage spurious. Besides, western media people don't even agree on how to pronounce 'Myanmar'. Is it 'MEE-anmar', 'M-YANmar', or some other poppycock? Pronounced correctly, 'Burma' and 'Myanmar' sound closely alike, thus the original anglicizing of the name.

When they start calling China Chung guo, India Bharat, Greece Hellas, and Italy Italia, then maybe I'll take them seriously in their attempts at accuracy. Just stick with Burma, folks. Believe it or not, it's the politically correct thing to do.

As for the paranoia of the Burmese junta, the only bit of background that I've heard on NPR as to WHY they're so paranoid has been from Doualy Xaykaothao, who took the time in one of her reports to investigate the matter (i.e. the junta is paranoid about western attempts to overthrow their regime, etc.).

Russia Is Just SO RIPE For US To Return To The Cold War - Indeed, A COLDER War - So What Are We Waiting For??

PART 1

It's now official: NPR longs for a return to a cold war with Russia. I heard a segment this morning from Grigory 'Rasputin' Feifer, scoffing and sneering his way through lousy coverage of Russia's new president, whom he paints as a sort of 'false Dmitri'. Know ye all that Feifer of NPR DISAPPROVES of all the things going on in Russia today. And because he's giving us the green light to acknowledge that Russia is such a screwed up place, it'll be OK if we scoff and sneer about Russia too, just like those smart NPR guys.

So, here's the truth about Russia, proclaimed by this NPR reporter. Resolved: Russia is a third world country, ruled by a Stalinist dictator named Putin, with a new puppet president named Medvedev.

If these aren't good enough reasons to get a cold war going, I don't know what are.

Never mind that this Harvard-educated Moscow-dwelling dude (Feifer) apparently knows very little about Russian history and that authoritarian rule in Russia is a given, and any understanding of its subsequent development as a nation must be predicated on that single notion. But no, NPR has to 'Americanize' every aspect of their non-objective reporting, just like their mafia overlords want them to do.

I'd swear that Murdoch secretly bought NPR years ago.

PART 2

AND... this morning, the tireless cold warriors at NPR aren't gonna let up one iota on the eternal war against the commies.

Tom 'Perfectly-Sane-Voiced' Gjelten keeps on reminding us what a gulag Cuba is. He profiles a repressed Cuban writer, and that's fine, but it comes off as an old-time anti-Cuba tract, couched in gentlest Gjelten terms. Wearily then, do I mention that any grown-up adult type person knows that Cuba is such a mixed bag of often contradictory issues that it is impossible to make sweeping statements about it, which our man Tom (and so many others) is so hot to do. But of course, if you happen to be in with the Florida mafia, you're not interested in 'contradictory issues.'. Tom goes to great lengths in describing the repression, but I notice that, here he is, freely broadcasting from Cuba, telling the world about this writer's situation, and Raul Castro didn't lift a finger to stop him or censor his report. There's something missing in there somewhere.

And then, right after that, our hand-picked man in Russia, Grigory 'Douglas?' Feifer (sorry, I got him confused with Feith for a second), delivers a 'postcard' from darkest Siberia. Poor orphan Greg tells us all about his persecution as an American in some small town because he missed his flight. Oh, but how he suffered! The cold, the lack of entertainment, and things were so expensive! And boy, there was so much to sneer at and mock! A gold mine really, for a dandy NPR filler, to prove how disgusting Russia and the Russians are, and that it's all Putin's fault. Well, he doesn't say that directly, but in his soul, I know he feels it! Poor Greg, lost in podunk Siberia, all dressed up and nowhere to go. He doesn't think people are very 'friendly' there. Why, they can't treat a powerful and influential and totally mucking smart and savvy NPR reporter that way! He'll show them - he'll file a report excoriating small town Siberia, and the NPR folks listening will be SO glad they're in America. You dodged a bullet, Greg. Come home!

Funny, I've experienced similar things in America's 'heartland'...

Inadvertently though, Greg's 'postcard' has delivered us a precious example of the ideal NPR staffer/ NPR target audience: touchy, snotty, entitled, self-absorbed, and judgmental via NPR indoctrination. Greg makes no bones about hating Putin, but I imagine that those people in that small town in Siberia were relieved to see him off on the plane that finally did come. Amerikanski, go home!

PART 3

Greg's grumpy Russian adventures continue. This morning he was in Red Square, listening to missiles rumbling over the cobblestones, apparently for the first time since Soviet days. Greg wants you to know that he disapproves of such shenanigans, and he says so in his best nasally, haughty style. So come on NPRepublicans! Get angry! Greg can't lead the charge all by himself into the Colder War, you know. Down with Putinism! If the US gets going NOW (heeding Greg's advanced warnings), we'll be greeted on those same cobblestones with candies and flowers.

So, in order to outdo the old Cold War with a slam-bang moniker folks'll come to swear by, I dub this new, grander, and more high tech (and asymmetrical, too!) war THE COLDER WAR, because, heck, it's COLD out there! Remember, you saw it here first.

A Daring Proposal For NPR

When daring to dip into NPR I find it impossible not to become a self-appointed Style Critic, not for my own amusement, but because the general persona of NPR is so damn intrusive and obnoxious.

(When I listen to BBC, which isn't what it used to be, but is still light years ahead of NPR, I tend to listen to WHAT they are saying instead of HOW they are saying it - a process that strikes me as perfectly appropriate, and is what radio should be.)

So, a question: has anybody else made note that the delivery of both Renaay and Inscreep on Morning Edition has become EVEN MORE affected? It's as if they want us to be amazed at everything they say - every sentence has an exclamation point after it. It's like, 'you've just not gonna believe what I'm about to tell you', - that kind of thing. I know, it's all obviously part of the grand strategy to get America's young people on board and NPR-ize them while the iron is hot. It certainly worked for Fox, while CNN (which has their own 'fair and balanced' issues) was left in the dust. I can just imagine that Roger Ailes is a 'silent consultant' to NPR.

Also, has anyone checked out Auntie Liane's new 'Sunday Soapbox' (really condi-scending title, huh?) bloggishness on Weakend Edition Sundae? She can sound very pouty on the air sometimes, and she sounded VERY pouty when she was talking about the new blog. Perhaps she anticipates a shitstorm of criticism from listeners who would have the audacity to question NPR's perfection.

I'll end with a dare: hey, someone at NPR, are you listening? Why don't you assign one of your reporters to review the cogent blog: NPR Check? (Link at side.) Why can't someone like John McChesney or Daniel Zwerdling do a story on it?

Cat got your tongue? I'm not surprised. The timidity of NPR is a dead giveaway for their role as a mouthpiece for corporate interests, plus it exhibits a BushCorp-like contempt for the blog culture.

Sizing-Up Pint-Sized NPR

For anyone still believing ANYTHING the Bush Administration might be 'announcing' these days, I would refer you to NPR News, as they and their crack team are ready to swallow any ejaculation BushCorp might chance to spew from any orifice of humiliation. Because, the mighty folk of BushCorp always know that the good grovelers at NPR will always line up at the slop trough to take the leavings and the droppings left as tantalizing bait. Because they know that NPR is just stupid enough to snort up said droppings in order to show them off as trophies, as if they're breaking new ground, or something. Little do they know that BushCorp surely rolls their eyes and scoffs behind their backs at the thing that is NPR. Because, if they did the same thing with those faith-based outfits that thought BushCorp would HELP them (i.e. mock them in their absence), why wouldn't NPR be mocked in their absence, as well? It would take a mucking thesis to explain what I'm trying to say properly, but hopefully, you'll know what I mean.

NPR no doubt prides itself on being 'savvy', but how come they usually end up being the stupidest dumbshits on the block? Can they not conceive of the fact that they might be taken for a ride on a REGULAR basis? If I'm sitting out here in, say, Weeping Water, Nebraska, figuring this stuff out, how come these things evade the Beltway vets of NPR? Huh? Why? - because they're STUPID, and they've lost their way, long ago, if they even WERE on the right track. The rantings of a dissatisfied listener? Hardly. It doesn't take too much sophistication to figure out what a bozo operation NPR is. Just scan this blog to consider their record of disgrace and worthlessness. Tune in elsewhere!

And considering some of the latest Nepali developments:

Well, all I have to say is that I've been to Kathmandu and I have grave doubts as to whether many of these NPR reporters are actually in touch with many of the places they are supposedly reporting from. Why, even a Fox News reporter can bring more life into a given locale than these supposedly 'intelligent' but boring NPR hacks can. They can spin suppositions for their sponsors and their prospective audience, but THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO REPORT STORIES because they are so preoccupied with their spin assignments and how they're going to 'creatively write' their assignment, so they're unable to objectively observe and communicate. You know, like reporters are supposed to do. They think they're (a right wing) Joseph Conrad instead of what they should be: a relatively anonymous conveyer of news.

I might add, it was a member of the royal Nepalese household who bumped off most of the royal family. Their genes are deleterious. Move on to a republic, despite it being branded as 'Maoist'. What does 'Maoist' actually mean any more, anyway? Perhaps a movement that selects a name from a neighboring country to imply CHANGE? Keep in mind, in China, the official line goes something like: 'Mao was 30% right and 70% wrong’; however, from the Nepalese side, Mao is a figure who actually made change happen, and it has lasted. But Mao was a commie, wasn't he? Americans have to realize what a mixed bag events in history are. I doubt if anyone at NPR could explain that very fact with anything less than a smirk. For this and so many other reasons, I cannot bring myself to forgive NPR for the damage they've caused. Rather like the Bush Administration (ALL of 'em!)

Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Um, Uh, Uh, Uh - Uh, Um

Fig.1 Do NOT adjust your monitor! This is an actual, un-retouched photo of Dave 'n Ry, showing the appalling effects of Green Zone Blood-On-One's-Hands Malaise, which has all sorts of awful symptoms, the least of which are these horrible blood-warts. Notice how Ry's actual hands apear bloodless! 'Tis the deception of the Malaise - one of its most insidious qualities! Thus, BEWARE OF THESE PEOPLE!!

I wish I could say something - anything at all - about the Field Marshall Petraeus/Sidekick Ry Crock Show, which just wrapped up...

Ah! I thought of something: Ry said 'uh, uh, uh, um, uh, uh' a LOT. Nervous, perhaps?

The September go-round was much more fun. I don't think anyone's even going to revise or revive the 'Leave Gen. Petraeus Alone' parody this time. Pity.

It's a bleak, bleak house we've inherited, folks...

When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be A Critic Of Campaign Ads! Really, I Do!

Boy, I just heard a segment on NPR's 'All Thinktanks Considered' where Mee-chele Norris and some doofus named Kenny Goldstein 'reviewed' new ads put out by the Obama and Clinton campaigns in PA. I think 'disdainful' is perhaps an adequate term to describe their sophisticated picking and poking at these ads, as if they were rotting caviar samples on burlap crackers, or something worse. Their disapproval reached toffee-nosed proportions, because, heavens above, there just wasn't anything at all that these two seasoned individuals could find of value in those darn ads. No 'information' or anything! So, there was plenty of fussin' and snortin' over such media nonsense.

In one simple sentence, these wiseapples could have covered their flat asses at least by saying something like, 'In the campaign ad world, it's a cynical biz, so all sorts of wacky things are tried..' Or something to bring us back to objectivity, rather than leaving us with the obvious conclusion that these dilettantes have it out for both the Dem candidates.

Just a little bit of snottiness leaked through poor Mee-chele's usual solemnity, but it was delivered with just a dash of smoky seductiveness. Snotty can be sexy!

Narcissist Priggish Radio at its best.

I'm sending NPR a bill for the necessary steam-cleaning of the vomit spray that my pet hyena made when he heard this tidy little segment.

Douglas Feith Is A Contemptable Bastard, BUT, He's Out There Slugging While His Fellow Neocons Tremble In Their Protective Privacy

NPR, in order to form a more perfect bond between its corporate and military/industrial patrons and its needy audience, remarkably offered up an interview with the worthy Douglas Feith, former Undercover Sec. of War, just in time for his tell-it-like-it-was/cover-his-ass-NOW memoir to be laid before the public by Rupert Murdoch, via his HarperCollins hack-house.

You almost have to give Feith credit for being audacious enough to step up to the media circuit (in order to sell a committee-written 'memoir') and doing damage control before other Neocons beat him to it. Feith is one of the most perfect examples of how this country has been overtaken with deeply, deeply flawed and mediocre personalities, who have been allowed to run the show. Sort of like what happened to Germany in the 1930s.

But that's what psychopaths are good at: spreading their own appalling delusions. If I were in his neighborhood, I'd be making a citizen's arrest of this hideous excuse of a person.

As for NPR, they're just as complicit. They're so tied into the book-selling racket, it's just a case of one hand washing the other.

One of the many reasons to weep for this country, and what it could have been...

Part 2 was just as much a vacuous waste of time as Part 1 was. I got a huge kick out of Inscreep's 'impatient' approach, as if he's the righteous one standing up to the much-hated Feith. And the trading of gobbledegook between them, like sharing the same foul wad of bubblegum, was DC-Speak at its finest: Luntzian legalisms aplenty. That kind of talk, with its ersatz terms and its obfuscation, is a key factor in the hijacking of the nation by the few and its ruination for the many.

Repeat After Me: Juice Is Sexy, Juice Is Sexy

Dabbling with NPR is a hazardous business, so I often try to keep things superficial, otherwise grim rage becomes dominant. So, to keep things light and fluffy, I frequently notice form rather than content (as content is usually a lost cause). I tend to notice HOW things are said and not necessarily WHAT things are said. I know, it's a perverted form of amusement, but I swear, I don't put as much time or effort into this as it sounds.

Well, it seems that lately, many of the NPR lifers have been told to juice up their manner of speaking. You know, to get all emotional and affected in order to bring 'interest' to a segment on, say, the Fed's strategy for regulating title insurance restrictions on two-year guarantee loans made on leap-year days, or whatever. NPR wants to retain its 'serious' reputation, but with a sexier guise, so as to keep the SUV-ers transfixed with 'driveway moments', before hauling ass in the Mall.

People like Inscreep and Renee de la Mon-tayyne perform a whole routine to keep our attention, feigning amazement, speaking in 'valley' cadences, and general motormouth tricks of the cheapest kind. Most of the 'experts' they interview go along with their act, but when someone like Helen Mirren shows up, it doesn't take much to expose how ditzy/dopey (or if you prefer, dopey/ditzy) Renee comes off as, and Ms Mirren was the model of understatement and kindness.

Anyway, there's a BushCorp/Condi quality to this business that grates and gets in the way of what information radio is supposed to be about: access to said information.
To me this increased affectation junk is all just bad acting (in a media source that should confine acting, bad or otherwise, to feature shows), and it is representative of the what the NPR powers that be want in order to boost ratings, in order to satisfy corporate sponsor expectations (duh, just like in commercial radio, ya think??).

Conversely, I heard a segment this morn from our old reliable Parisian gamine, Eleanor B.(eardsley) of Aquitaine, that gave me a start. In her little piece there was practically NO affectation - none of her bizarre misfires of delivery - just flat phrases. No champagne bubbles or boulevardier fun. Nothing. Eleanor! Are you ill? Tired? Or did you get a talking to: to knock off the cutesy crap? Sadly, without her gimmick, EB is just a bore, enough to make you snap off the radio and head on in to Macy's.

The Definition of a Defining Moment

I can't imagine a more worthless source for truthful information about Iraq than Nonfunctioning Public Radio. Fox News is worse of course (if not synonymous), but at least you know where they stand. NPR attempts to play the game of 'safe' cleverness, so that they'll be taken seriously. Boy, how they crave the prestige.

And what the hell is with this 'defining moment' crap? OK, it's just another Luntzy product from BushCorp. But why would any thinking person take such a vague statement seriously? Just the fact that the media repeats such a banal pronouncement with a straight face is enough to invalidate any news source's credibility. And now, with NPR's new gals (Dina+Lourdes) delivering steady-voiced updates about the New Iraq from Bombproof Vault #345, deep beneath the billion dollar US Embassy, and with a 'less emotional' and fully-clothed Annie G. to guide them, their team's putting the propaganda back into NPR with a capital 'P'.

(NOTE: I think it was Susan Steeammberg who made it clear though, that Our Lady of Lourdes had indeed been 'on the streets of Baghdad' or somewhere or other, just so Lourdes’ statement that those streets were deserted could be taken as a sort of eyewitness fact. I found it interesting that the anchor in DC would make a statement that the reporter on the scene (or in the general region) should be making. Hell, I could make the same statement just by using Google Earth...)

NPR should just stick to doing feature shows and leave the hard edge reporting to other, more independent agencies. I don’t care if this was an extremely liberal administration and NPR was spinning things to the left all the time. The truth is the truth, and NPR is in the thrall of non-truth and truthiness. They aren’t valid enough to do the job, and they’ve proven it, time and again.

The Splurge Before The Flood

I'm finally hearing some references in the media that, yes indeed, since the Surge, there has been a significant gap in on-the-ground Iraq coverage. Uh, I noticed that in the first weeks, folks. No wonder Winter Soldier testimonies are being repressed. Things are shitty in Iraq and everyone knows it, but won't say so because everybody's waiting to see what Bush does while he still has a chance. Fasten your seatbelts: Admiral Fallon's out, Spitzer's no longer in the way to thwart bank robber Bernanke, and there's still 8 gruesome months to pull some nasty surprises out of the sewer.

Check out Greg Palast's report on the Spitzer/Bernanke caper:
http://www.gregpalast.com/elliot-spitzer-gets-nailed/

Meanwhile, the Neocons, quiet and industrious of late, are futzing with a majestic playbook of wetdream dimensions (which is probably the only sex they ever get: self-inflicted). Boxes of toxic bon bons are circulating amongst them, containing the following: 1) Greenlighting imminent for Operation Take Back Iran. A no-brainer. 2) Full speed ahead in foundation work on Operation Take Back China - via covert infiltration from the Afghan/Pak corridor, which will set the west of China ablaze, spreading to the South China Sea; thus, Taipei is poised to return in triumph to the Forbidden City.

OHMIGAWD! Brilliant, brilliant, Field Marshal Perle!

OK, doughty Neocons, wash-up now! Nighty-night!

The Impatience of the Chattering Classes

This morning on that show they sensibly call 'Morning Edition', I heard relentlessly upbeat Renee interview an Iraqi fellow in Baghdad who works for NPR, describing life in the city 5 years after the invasion. I got the sense that he wanted to gush with all the bloody details, but knowing NPR as he no doubt does, and knowing of their hi-tech editing skills, he delivered a pretty much G-rated rundown. Toward the end he was sufficiently warmed up to start gushing, but that's when the editing no doubt kicked in. When he mentioned a detail regarding a tiny improvement of some kind, Renee responded with something like: 'Well, then things are just a LITTLE better, aren't they?' As if, 'What have you REALLY got to whine about, you poor thing? Raw, untreated sewage is no longer drying in the street. Can't you just be happy with that?', and it was delivered with all the slightly bemused impatience of a Bev Hills soccer mom who's tut-tutting her Filipina nanny for being five minutes late so that she can rush off to the mall.

I don't need this crap. I want my news delivered soberly and without all this 'magazine' approach. I know this is 'NPR Critique 101' stuff, but I'm getting demoralized again.

I'd really like to see how Renee would handle her trips to the mall if LA were being bombed daily and occupied by invading troops. I know, it's a banal comparison (warfare of a different kind exists in LA, don't we know), but her ditziness, so willingly and proudly displayed, is wholly representative of her type and class.

Because of their increasing exclusivity of audience targeting, NPR should be banished to the wilderness of satellite radio, where it can atrophy and thus expire. Even Murdoch wouldn't bother with that.

At NPR, The Hits Just Keep On Coming . . .

If anyone was able to slog through two hours of prizewinning fussbudget Ari Shapiro's drainpipe voice on Sunday, they would have to conclude that this guy has taken it upon himself to be an apologist for the US 're-invention' of Iraq. Substituting for Auntie Liane, Amazing Ari proves that he's pretty darn diverse. Why, he's all over the map, going to plays, bopping over to Baghdad, and hell, doin' the Sunday breakfast gig as easily as gossiping up on the Hill. Yes, Ari's got the makins' of an NPR superstar. But that voice! That awful, awful, NPRepugnant voice! Can't the engineers de-tweak it so that he doesn't sound like he's talking through a 89-cent crystal-set mike? And that talking! Jabber-jabber-jabber! He almost beats out Inscreep in the speaking-faster-than-he-can-
think department. Oh, but Ari's far more brilliant, isn't he? Thus, the haughty confidence. That sickening confidence that got him busted for his trademark snottiness-that-passes-for-
journalism that FAIR pointed out recently. Can a Dan Schorr prize be revoked?
I'm happy to announce though, that I didn't suffer through all two hours of Ari's spring fling garden party. I couldn't do that to my dog, who looked at me as if, 'you are one sick puppy, man!'
After Ari's chummy little giggle with Nina the T, my dog threatened to lift his leg over the radio. A walk with him in the non-NPR fresh air cured everything.

OK, OK, one more thing: again, again, again, I just have to carp about that troublesome Eleanor Beardsley person, who's been popping up disturbingly often recently, despite some other more normalish reporter covering things France-ish.
E.B. sounds like some busted up plastic doll (that still thinks it's cute) to be found in a yard sale's 'FREE' bin, with a pull string that recites goofy lines about French people in a wobbly voice that doesn't know what notes to hit.
Of course, since she's describing the antics of those wacky Frenchies, what better than Ellie Bea to deliver their news with clownish dreariness? 'Thiszis Ellleneknyorr Beeaerdleah en Paaareeass...' (Did that transliteration really work?)

You know, if some of these NPR-oids really had style and class, like distinctive voices such as Katherine Hepburn or even Jimmy Breslin, it would be one thing, but NPR gets these not-even-ready-for-hammy-acting types, and their 'creative' journalism sucks, too. We as a public deserve much, much better, don't we? Of course, I blame NPR management for letting this bozo patrol get out on the air, but when it's stacked with BushCorp flunkies, there's no accounting for taste.

OK, pretty superficial stuff to complain about, but I ask you, where the hell does NPR GET all this lousy, lousy - really lousy - on-air 'talent'? Probably from the offspring of CEOs, and other power people in bed with NPR who have journalistic stars in their eyes... or whatever. In Britain, 'public' schools are really the very private, elitist establishments that take care of their own. National 'Public' Radio is actually a similarly elitist (well, middle-to-upper class) outfit that only cares about itself. Thus, my battle cry: Rupert - take what is rightfully yours: NPR!!

Randoms: Q: What Does 'NPR' Really Stand For? A: Well, All Sorts of Funny Things!

I just heard a puke-making interview in which Blob Siegel bids a fond farewell to Nicholas 'Nick' Burns, Undersecretary of State for Condescension, after a distinguished career. It's a doily-delicate affair, as one prig to another.

Do people like Burns actually make any difference? It makes one wonder what such a person really thinks they DID all those years of diplo 'service', because he offers no explanation of his role in the current, deliberately constipated mess in foreign affairs today, perpetuated by the worthless Condi & Co. I guess Nick's just too modest a guy to take any credit for it. Oh, he talks about the need to 'repair shaken bridges' or sumpthin'.

Blob let him down nice and easy at the end, via a gently whimsical Red Sox parachute. (Nick's a fan!) Diplomats and broadcasters are ever so civilized, aren't they?

A Bosnian friend of mine still marvels over how middle-class oriented NPR is.

***********

The dementia at Nationalist Perverted Radio grows deeper. NPR is dabbling in the 'controversy for controversy's sake' vat. They'll bungle such a venture, of course, but the damage is done.

You know Glenn Beck? That guy who wants to get your attention by all that wide-eyed jibber-jabberish he turbo-motor-mouths all the time? You know, he's just another baby-boomer who's exploiting his substance-abuse, just like our president.

Well anyway, Steve Inscreep of 'Morn Ed' interviewed him as part of their trenchant 'What Conservatives Think' series (which was almost as good as their recent 'Crunch Time' triumph).

Glengarry Beck is nothing more than a peepshow geek who, if Fox Newsishness didn't exist, couldn't even get work cleaning spittoons at a 5th rate carnival. So why does NPR pick up on him? Because there's an untapped audience to be found in the middle class' latent hunger for the horrible and the twisted in life!
So why not go the Naturally Prurient Radio route, if only for a day, and see how the ratings perform? Very Inscreepy!

If Beck can invoke Churchill and (gasp) Santorum in the same sentence, then I can paraphrase Sir Winston in regard to Rick: he (Rick) is a perverse man, with much to be perverse about...
Same goes for Beck.

Personally, I'm delighted NPR is stooping this low. Might wake more people up.

**************

NPR's logo is a cheap rip-off of BBC's logo. (BBC cheaply ripped itself off a few years ago when they converted the rather nice logo of 'italic' boxes, as in: BBC , to boring right-angle boxes, like, as in: BBC.) Anyway, NPR's logo has nice bright colors that get quite a bit of attention when attached to public mike stands. They scream: 'NPR is HERE!' Yeah, well, who cares if Mara Liarson or Dondi Gonorrhea is at the other end of the mike's wire. Damn! I WOULD have to bring those dreary names up!

Candidate Review! I Have A Scheme . . .

Dreams live in the hearts of patriots, just as sure as Bobby Russell wrote 'Little Green Apples'.

And because the Splurge in Iraq is such a success, you just know that hagiographed McCain and Field Marshall Petraeus are dickering right now over the future division of the spoils.

Here's their Swing Into Spring '08 'To Do' list:

1. Take and Hold 1600 Pennsy by means of the following lineup

2008-12 Generalissimo 'Panama Jack' McCain
2012-16 Citizen Jebber 'Die-Nasty!' Bush
2016-?? God-Emperor and Chief Martial law Administrator Davidvs 'Dave' PETRAEVS

2. Sieg heil, baby!

And that's just the getting warmed-up part!

Bill Has Wrapped 'Er Up

Fig. 1 Bill (center) in his role as Billiam X. Suckling in the 'Twilight Zone' episode, 'God and Man on Mars'

Here's to Bill Buckley, whom, as I remember, used to really BUG me. Then in the early 80s, he hosted PBS' presentation of Waugh's 'Brideshead Revisited' as adapted by John Mortimer. After that, I knew I could still profoundly disagree with Bill and yet enjoy his curiously stylish fiddlings and ramblings as if he were an eccentric actor or some such. Well, that's what he was, really.

Used to hate him, then was charmed by him, now I miss him.

He gave an elegantly stinging indictment of Dubya on a CBS Sunday Morning segment (note the prime time slot, indicative of his faded importance). Basically washed-up and overruled by the neoconny Kristolized crowd, Bill's only companion was his old dog, who followed him dutifully around the house.

As a polemicist, (except for his condemnation of the Iraq War) a waste of time. As an entertainer, top notch. There should be a star on Hollywood Blvd in his honor.

Candidate Review! The Perfect Candidate in Time for the 200th Anniversary of the War of 1812: JEBBER!

Fig. 1 Gerald Ford was captured in many such poses; Jebber has considerably hogged out since this not-so-recent 'action' portrait was taken

Now come the days of The Grooming, and The Prepping and The Patience. Now come the days when Jeb Bush, the heir apparent of BushCorp's Assured Reign in Perpetuity, will take up the burden of duty and proceed with his natural destiny of Born To Rule.

Here's the plan, gang (preferred plan first):

Plan A: Citizen McCain wins the '08 election. Fine. As per his '04 Pact with BushCorp, McCain allows said Corp to continue its enterprises in seamless fashion. Indeed, McCain, though not a blood relative, may even outdo The Family in BushCorp-like gestures and concepts. Content with being a one-termer (as that was better than being a no-termer) Grand Old Man McCain will willingly retire to his honorable wheelchair while the Epoch's New Man, Jebber, will then ascend to power, with Field Marshall of the Continental Army, David Petraeus at his side. There is much erotic excitement about this scenario in high places. That's where The Patience comes in.

Plan B: Barack Obama wins the '08 election. Fine. Let the Poet inspire the masses. (Sounds great to yrs trly.) But what BushCorp wants is for an Obama Administration to fail, if not in trainwreck style, then at least in terms of a generally dissatisfied public. Grappling with the mess left by Dubya will task the capacities of any subsequent administration. Then, in '12, BushCorp and its associated Republicans will have license to sweep back into power, with the anointed ones offered up, as mentioned above.

The magnitude of sinisterness inherent in BushCorp is no laughing matter, and thus, there is very little satire in the two plans I have just outlined. We must consider the scope of BushCorp and neocon agendas, and we must understand that they have no intention of surrendering any sort of power or control - ever.

By the by, ol' Jebber has put on some pounds. In comparison, Dubya looks stubbornly trim. Git on that mountain bike, Jebber, thy people will have need of thee!

Candidate Review! Get Below, Before I McCain Ya!

Figs. 1 & 2 'An Epoch's Most Memorable Icons Are As Tintypes Of The Nostalgias' - Hervey Wordsworthless Shortfella

My friends, it is now time to address he who will take up the solemn task of ushering the mighty legacy of BushCorp toward its next dynastic inheritor (we're talkin' Jebber here, gang, or, if Hillary becomes the Dem nominee, either of the Twins), a man whose maverick loyalty has proven his utter worth, a man sparlking with enough crackerbarrel wit to melt a television set, that darling of millions - and of Charles Keating, that smart shopper who knows the best rug deals in town, from suburban Tempe to bazaar-y Baghdad: that Senatah John 'WALNUTS!' McCain!

By the grace of BushCorp only does he walk before us in 2008. What does that mean? Why, in 2004, JM signed a pact with said Corp, in which there was a deal that would ensure his bid for 1600 Pennsy in this here year of '08. The terms were stark, but elegantly simple:

BushCorp rules:
1. Lay off Dubya in the 2004 election. (He did that.)
2. Appear meek before Dubya while at Air Force One photo op. (He did that.)
3. Hug and kiss Dubya in public. (He did that.)
4. One term in the White House only, old fellow; gotta make way for the young folks in '12. (He will do that.)
5. Do all these things and more, John Q. McCain, and we will gift you the presidency in 2008. (He will do them.)

So now, with most of those terms fulfilled, JM can now stroll on in.

WARNING: For many a reason that need not be listed here, this man should not become our president. Fausts should be confined to the operatic and theatrical stages of the world, not on the national altar.

Plus, his 's' sibilance is extremely distracting, almost as much as Ghouliani's lisp.

Randoms: Wanna Get Gnarly? Listen To NPR And Learn To Criticize Them!

On today's unmissable All Thingamabubs Considered:

- An absolutely contemptible report by someone called Karen Grigsby-Bates on a medical marijuana outlet in LA, and how stupid it is. Smug isn't an adequate enough word. All the classic NPR touches of offensive delivery, innuendo, and barely-disguised disdain were on parade. NPR's peevish priggishness at its very worst, though nicely exhibited for us to alternatively snicker and scoff at.

- A 'witty' postmortem on Ghouliani's quitting the prez race, where this Bob Smith guy takes Rudy's 'Leadership' book and makes fun of the things that Rudy said in it but DIDN'T act upon! Zowie!! Yes, it's a rare bit of 'gotcha' journalism (while trying to be clever, too!). That kind of stuff's pretty hard to find on virtuous NPR, but heck, they only wheeled it out when the scene was safe, (Gawrsh, can you imagine having Rudy MAD at you??) and when it's OK to show off a bit of drivel-y NPR 'humor'. As Major Hoople used to say, 'HAAAAWK-KAFFF!'

- John Edwards' media freeze-out lasts to the end. Much more time was given to Ghouliani's bailing than Edwards' bow-out, with very little exposition.

Morning Edition Low-note:

Terrible-quality Frank Deford satire on the Super Bowl, via Shakespearian recitations. No great horror in itself, except that he had some NPR stalwarts do the different character voices. Big mistake. No wonder Ari Shapiro didn't make it in acting school. Broadway musicals' loss is NPR's gain in torturing we captive listeners.

Morn Ed Hi-note:

- My good Philip Reeves had a nice little segment on India's new mini-car, the Nano. The way he 'did the numbers' as a demonstration of the multiplying of the car population in India should shock the shit out of those timid NPR devotees, trembling at the oncoming Brown (and Yellow) Peril!